"Since it is inherent for humans to crave variety, the concept of faithfulness is in actuality going against human nature."

Imagine a world without social constraints, where there is no moral obligations to remain faithful to one and monogamy is abolished. Does that mean that humans would not keep to one perpetual partner for life? It is absolute individualism where everyone is selfish to satisfy one's needs first without giving due considerations or having no obligations to another. Would love exist in the form we have perceived it today then? How many people actually stay together or remain so-called "faithful" due to moral obligations or social constraints?

The point is probably moot since no world or culture as we know it can fully exist without some sort of social constraints upon the individual exercised by a larger collective.

Last night:

The best way i can describe how i felt is that i was Peeved.
Not pissed.
Not miffed.
But peeved.

Somedays i have had enough of all you people who
1) takes me for granted
2) seems to take i will respond to all your beck and call at you people's convenience
3) don't think twice to push me around whenever it strikes you people

I am not a _filler_ for you people's space time alright?
I would have thought that i have tried enough to be a good friend, girlfriend, daughter etc to those that i know, to deserve none of the above.

But then that was yesterday.
Somehow things will get blown over.
It is probably not right but i will be less of a friend etc etc if i let it bug me for too long.

So here we go again...

Someone gave me a scare when i was driving home today.

I was just about turning off the ECP at the Marine Parade exit this evening when i noticed that there was this ford about 4 cars length behind me which was moving rather erractically. The driver was making little "jerks" as he was driving. The car swerved shapely to the side and back a couple of times. I remember thinking that perhaps the driver is on the phone or something. Just then, i was slowing down around the bend of the expressway exit when i noticed that ford right behind me. It was so close i could see the driver behind clearly on my rear view mirror. What was harrowing was that traffic was really busy at that time, and i was just slowing down. I was so afraid that the ford will just smack bang right into my car that i did not even dare to slow down anymore. The car was _that_ close behind. I even changed lanes thinking that perhaps the driver is in a hurry but he still followed very closely behind me. It worse worse than tail-gating. I felt like i was being chased. The thing is, he did not flash his headlights at me (perhaps i was in his way?) or honked. He just kept behind me very very closely. I could not have braked without him banging into me. And he did not show any sign that he was slowly down either, but was kinda edging the car nearer and nearer.

Finally i had to stop at the traffic light and he stopped behind (very closely still) and i had a good look at the driver behind from my rear view mirror. And it was really frightening. He was a rather thin bald man, at first i thought it was a rather old man, but i think it is mainly because of his glasses (so i cant see his eyes) and the dark eyebags. And he looked sort of "crazed", which reminded me of norman bates from psycho, but scarier. I don't know how to describe it but he did not look angry-like or neither did he keep a straight face. I have seen expressions like that before and it was usually on psychotic patients or horror movies. And eerily, he began to make strange gestures in his car and for a while he looked like he was shouting to the empty space beside him and gesticulating wildly. Then he started to pretend to be holding a rifle and started "aiming" and "shooting" at things around him. I think he must have saw me glancing at the rear view mirror (i did not dare to turn around to look) and suddenly i realized he was focusing intently at my car and was "shooting" at me. He had a almost manic and diabolique expression on his face. It was horrifying even when recalled it.

When he noticed me, he started gesturing even more frantically, making obscene signs with his middle finger, flapping his hands and making sucking motions with his mouth onto his finger. He kept doing that, and keeping his car closely behind at two traffic lights (both red so we had to stop). I have met jerks on the road before like road bullies that flashes their lights at you to make you give way and drivers who make exsperated signs at you as their drove pass but this is something different. He did not look frustrated or arrogant or angry. He just looked menacing and mad. I mean insane. If he were to bang into me, my first instinct would be to lock my car door. I really felt like this was a psychotic patient more than a person who wanted to harrass others for the fun of it. He was already behaving like so even before he noticed me. If i was able to get a sight of his car plate number i would have called the police. Not for harrassing me but the potential danger he could be. He honestly looked like a psychotic person driving a car recklessly. I was so glad that just as suddenly as he was hounding me, he turned rather widely (and dangerously) into a petrol station and disappeared.

I was still shaking a little when i reached home. I am not one to get scared easily but i felt real danger this evening. It was eerie even. I don't think i can forget the face and that expression. Perhaps LTA should screen drivers periodically with psych assessment so that mentally unstable people would not be driving on the road. I know i am stretching it abit but could you imagined if that driver just go berserke and crash into a school or something during peak hours?

I felt like i was in some horror movie.

Oh great! Spore cubes is back!

Venus Boys tonight:

What can i say?
Male
Female
Other

I can't say i fully understand the rational which made woman wants to be man.
If it is obtain respect as what some of the interviewees said, i feel that i can well obtain respect as a female even if it IS a more uphill struggle.
If it is to break through conventional thinking of gender, to become androgynous, i don't feel that this is accomplished by piling on the male elements.
I have always thought to be truly "other", it means an elimination of both male or female elements.
What the end of product is, is a myriad of confusion.
Both for me, and i suspect, for some of the other people involved in the documentary.
However, that said, that is only my personal feelings.
Actually i particularly admired one of the characters in the docu, an african american woman who looks good both as a man and a woman, and uses both elements to her advantage.
That is empowerment i feel and is truly liberating.

I am glad i have never questioned my own sexuality or gender, and am happy the way i am.
I say this not to put down others who may have questioned about their gender, but rather relieved for myself, as i can imagine how hard it is to strive to break out of the conventional modes in our society today.

HK Animation last night:

Definitely less polished than the international annecy animations.
But there were a few gems out of the "student-film"-like animations.
I particularly enjoyed

1) "Ugly museum" - shows that the quest for beauty is not without its perils (style of the animation reminded me of SO's "seed", a sense of deja vu)
2) A dull's life - the relentless quest of a urinal which seek to improve its circumstances... in the female toilet.
3) The birth and death of an artist - oppression for having dreams beyond what is prescribed.

One of the nicest things anyone can say:

"I love you too much to be angry with you for long."

Making up is always nice.

Hotel at night:

3 words: Sex, Cannabalism and Revenge
One conclusion: weird.

This is way way way surreal than leaving las vegas (same director Mike Figgis).
An interesting plot presented in not one but 2/3/4 frames at times.
The editing was great though could at times be confusing for the audience.
But honestly that is part of the fun and charm of this weird feature film.
What i originally thought was an infra-red camera (but later SO corrected me. it is a sony DV inbuilt thingy that can shot in very low light settings), gave a really creepy green glow to the characters (everything black turns out white, including the eyeballs) in specific situations that highlighted the tension and mystery of the story.
The "dogma" movie within the movie (i.e. the duchess of mulfi) was already interesting on its own (i would have love to watch it), though david schwimmer will always look and behave like "ross" from "friends".
The sex bits were titillating and well shot. I imagined the few old men in the cinema got their 8bux worth.
On the whole, it was nicely and interestingly put together.
I bet everyone who is interested in making films would want to go out and get themselves a DVcam after this.

Overall, an entertaining bizzare piece of surrealistic movie.
I definitely enjoyed this cannabalistic buffet more than "seafood".

Annecy animation in the morning:

An entertaining collection of international animations from canada, mexico, uk, italy and french (i think 2/3 are in french).
Some of the bits i liked
1) a man who woke up as a woman and lived with it for 10 years before turning back to a man on her/his wedding (to a man), in "geraldine"
2) an artful "father and daughter" that was very poignant and had a great lyrical soundtrack
3) pokemon-manga inspired "AP2001". Think pokemom + fleas + gundam rolled up into a poodle furball. Hilarious.
4) "Comics trip" that put computer animated feature like jimmy neutron to shame for its wonderful editing and use of "space"
5) An oddly depressing "The boy who saw the iceberg" which had split frames deplicting reality and fantasy.
6) A "cool nestea" commercial (the only commercial in the collection) that literally tickled the bones.

An interesting and informative telephone call.
My thoughts are flying wild.

Overheard:

"An intelligent woman is one that doesn't make a man feel stupid."

hmmm.....

When i don't ask, it doesn't mean i doesn't know.
Sometimes, i just want to prevent you from having to speak another lie.
When i do ask, it doesn't mean i need to know.
Sometimes, i just want to feel if your heart is wholly mine.

It is amazing what low expectations can do to the enjoyment value of a film.
Scorpian king was hilarious.
I giggled myself silly from beginning to end.
It is good to watch something not too serious once in a while.
I must admit i am one of those that will indulge in stephen chow periodically too.
(Lets not be too dogmatic about certain things shall we?)
And it doesn't hurt to have like-minded friends who are not too "high-browed" to enjoy a silly movie,
followed by a lighthearted supper at Lao Pa Sat together.

Now, that's what i call a nice saturday night.

Met a new friend today.
Quite interesting but he is trifle bit opinionated (not necessary a bad thing) but somehow, it all lacks substance somehow (his opinions i mean).
For example, how can you say something is bad when you have never seen it or even compare with something else?
It is like saying apples are better than oranges when you have never tasted an orange in your whole life.
Sure, everyone will always have opinions which are subjective but if you intend to pass them off as critical analysis for debate, you have well be more informed about the topic right?
Frankly, i think for someone who proclaims to have an interest in film, he seems to be too narrow focused and unexposed to alot of things to offer any sort of critical analysis.

Hmm...

I wonder if the older you are, the more tolerant you should be.
I think i am giving out more chances than i would have when i am younger when i hardly look back at the decisions i made and stand by whatever i said.
No time for regrets or should i say, no worries about regrets because i am young and free.
So do older people let their standards dip as they grow older because... well.. because they are no longer young and no longer have as many chances as before?
I find myself worrying that i may regret any rash decisions i make and hence, become less decisive and perhaps, more "tolerant" of things i would never have been.
I think that is what it is, i am worried about having regrets.

I am not too sure if that is a good thing at all.

I really hate people lying to me.
Especially so when i am right infront of them when they do it.

I just realized.

Its strike two.

My cat must be feeling lethargic.
Sort of like me.

I saw a hint of a smile in the sky tonight.

Seafood tonight.

The start was rather promising but tapered towards 3/4 of the show. The dark humour was interesting, especially coming from a China film-maker, but the ending seems disjointed from the built-up infront and almost like a separate story. At first i thought it might be delibrate, knowing how "chim" some artist like to be. But when questioned, i feel the filmmaker was a trifle bit unsure. (either that or he did not understand the nature of the question). Being a first time filmmaker (but has written several novels), i feel the story was not "tight" enough and metaphor of the "seafood" is too vague (and practically non-existent towards the end), he might have better developed his ideas in his novels than a 2 hour film.

I say, when people lie to me, do they think that i am an idiot (i.e. can't handle the truth) or just plain stupid (i.e. cant tell when people are lying)?

I would think stupid.

Came home just now and found the porceline bell in the shape of a woman lying broken on the floor, the culprit meowing piteously at a corner when i opened the door. It was a gift from the SO which he brought back from Spain a couple of years ago and it is very dear to me. The SO always brings back a little something for me whenever he travels and it is dearer now because he seldom have to chance to travel these days. I guess my feelings got the better of me and i gave ruski a sound smacking which sent him scurrying under the couch before i remembered that he is just a cat. I am still very angry and upset however, more of myself now, for not putting it on a higher shelf. Even though it was on the second shelf, i should have known that ruski can jump onto the first shelf and try to paw anything on the second. There is an awful sinking feeling in my stomach. Now ruski is trying to pacify me in someways by jumping on my lap (which he has a habit of doing so whenever i am angry with him) but i am still too upset and dropped him back on the bed.

Think i will go buy some silicon glue to try fix it back together again.

Snow asked me what does Aurorin mean. That came as a surprise since its been a long time since anyone last asked me that.
Instead of going into the whole "mythological-influenced" story, it will suffice to say that this name is original (as in i thought it up myself) and i love it so much that i will probably name my daughter aurorin (or aury for short).

Besides, i happen to think it sounds nice. :D

Mutant Aliens last night.

Pretty hilarious.
Watched his other shorts before and though this is a trifle bit too long, i thought it was pretty enjoyable on the whole.
I have forgotten how "pornographic" Bill Plympton can be. But one shouldnt take such things seriously. I doubt anyone's sensibilities have been offended. Mine certainly wasn't. I was too busy laughing i think.

Met with gpa and alan before the show. Thanks to dave for the dvd again. Also saw some familiar faces, especial from NJ which SO neglected to introduced. *smirks*
Another typical Alice-absentmindedness at play. Ordered a drink+popcorn combo and when it came, realized that i have ran out of cash. Had to sheepishly asked the cashier to hang on to the stuff while i rush to the ATM to draw out some money. Vaguely remembered that cash is in the OTHER wallet, which is of course, in the OTHER bag. Don't ask me why do i have so many bags and wallets, i just do.

You know how sometimes you see someone and they look strangely familiar but you just cant place them? Saw one of those at the atm, strangely enough, the feeling was mutual. You know it when the feeling is mutual. There is the universal look of "where have i seen you before". I was about to ignore it when he asked if i was from NTU. Which i wasn't. We both rattled off a few possibilities.
"irc?" - he looked blank
"friend of jason lim?" - i looked blank
"i am from biathalon." - Well, i was at a charity triathalon once. But no, not biathalons.
"hmmmm...."

In the end we both gave up and attributed it to the probability that we must have met at one too many film fest or similar events. When i was on my way back to pay the ransom for the popcorn hostages, i realized that i should have just asked him for his name. Somehow my instincts told me that i probably knew him from further back, i just can't remember where. I have a sneaky feeling it is back in JC or Sec school even. Oh well. Will remind myself to get that chap's name next time. SO think it is probably from one of those art events we frequent since Jason Lim is one of the artist he knows.

Little Otik this morning.

Much like "Alice" in his treatment, which blended surrealism, fairy tales and transcribing it into the modern mundane world. But this is way too commercialized, made for the general public, hence losing much of the surrealism that is so typically svankmajer in his other earlier works. Still, an interesting animation and one of his longest one to date (125mins).

Yesterday watched Japanese Devils, a documentary that interviewed 14 japanese army veterans who confessed to the atrocities they committed during WWII. The events they talked about was put in chronological order, treatment was quite matter-of-factly. It was chilling sitting there and listening to a bunch of old men describing in vivid details what they had done. Personally, it was difficult to be totally non-judgemental after hearing from them. Everyone had a reason on why they did what they did. Under orders, to fit in, peer pressure and personal beliefs that the emperor is god. As they were talking, it was quite apparent to me that there was always this moment in time when they hesitated (no matter how shortly) before crossing the line from being a human to something so cruel yet only a human is capable of. Each time, when the interview reached this moment, i held my breath wishing that perhaps this old man had not crossed the line, perhaps he turned an eye over the old people, the children, the woman he just raped instead of killing them and burning them down. But then, this is war and it is real. This is not a movie. It is not easy to view it objectively and say that these 14 interviewees are victims of war as well. Not when everyone had a chance to look the other way when their superiors or peers are not around and yet did not, and committed all manner of cruelty you can think of.

I don't think the documentary is to make to make victims out of them. It was a good documentary that look at the facts objectively instead of denying it, especially since it was made by the japanese. I guess it is only my own fault that i cannot get beyond my own subjective and personal feelings about it.

I destroyed something today almost accidentally.
Knowing the risk but wasn't too sure and still went ahead with it anyway.
Perhaps its all for the best.

Quote i found on The Far Side:

"Tragedy is when i cut my finger.
Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die." - Mel Brooks

My loot for today from borders:

1) Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll - a hard cover book with original illustrations by John Tenniel

2) The Illustrated Brothers Grimm Fairy Tales - illustrated by Arthur Rackham, an early 20th century illustrator who produced some wonderful black and white drawings/engravings

3) The Prehistory of The Far Side - A 10th Anniversary Exhibit by Gary Larson, which include artist's footnotes and scribblings

4) The Golden Age of Children's Book Illustration - filled with marvallous plates and black/white drawings of famous children book illustrators from the 1860s to 1930s and their biographies.

I am truly happy. I have always wanted Alice in Wonderland, partly for the story but mainly for the illustrations. And the book of children's book illustration is a real great find. Brothers Grimm because of the familiar stories and more so for those i have not read before (almost hard to imagine i could have not known some of their stories being such a prolific fairy tales reader when i was young), as well as the wonderful illustrations. As for the Far Side, i have always been tickled by Gary Larson's sense of humour. The process by which he derives his inspiration (ie his footnotes and scribblings/sketches) were an added bonus.

Yap, it was a good evening.

Just came back from friend's birthday celebration.
Had two nice bottles of white wine with some nice selection of cheeses.
A little tipsy, but boy do i feel good.

I am quite quite hooked on spore cubes...

Right place right time.
Wrong place wrong time.
Right place wrong time.
Wrong place right time.

Win
Lose
Break even

Went wakeboarding yesterday.
Was really tiring and now my whole body is aching.

My cat needs a bath.
Its been two weeks.

Realization no. 37:

There are some days i feel like i know less than what people think i know.

Work is getting more hectic by the minute.
Case conference looming around the corner and all that training still going on as well.
At times i almost panicked.
Whatmore, we have to worry about PES(t) too.
It is this silly bureaucratic thing which requires us to calculate the hours and measure the success rate of our student.
For example, input = hours and output = % of goals
And output have to be above 50% to be consider success.

I can fully understand the rational.
There is a need for VWOs to be accountable after all we do depend on charity.
That is, your money, my money... everyone's money. The goodness of singaporeans.
And it would nice to keep track of how many kids benefit from our services.
But really, i would find it less of a drag doing these calculations if the people of formulated it actually think it through about how applicable it is to us on the whole.
For example, it is IMPOSSIBLE to put every thing down in to measurable quantifiable statistics.
And more often than not, kids with special needs take a long while to achieve any semblence of success.
Does that mean we should give up on them? That VWOs dont need the money to run the program if we are not churning out enough "successes"?
I really pity the teachers as they are the one who have to compile the data for the therapists at the end of the day. On top of all the work they already have to do.
Lowly paid and stressful job and now more adminstration.
No wonder the turnover rate for teachers are so high.
I wish those people who actually formulate policies that ultimately will have a huge impact on those people who does the ground work, will come to and spend a week with us AT LEAST.
Before coming up with some more of these "admin" forms to fill and actually come up with something applicable and useful for once.

You know what babes?
The only solution seems to be that next time i go on holiday, you should come along!
Hey, then since you are going to Spain, you should bring me!
Pack me into your luggage and smuggle me!

*hugz*
I am flattered that you people think of me as your good friend.
It makes me feel like my life is worth something
cos' i mean something to some of you.
If i were to die tomorrow, at least i know who will miss me. :)

Anyway babes, always feel free to call.
No matter where, when, i will try my darnest to be there.
That goes the same for you snowie dear.
This i can promise you gals.